Relational resolves in dating!

In my last 3 years as a youth pastor- I would say the number 1 killer of revival in the students heart’s would be getting into a relationship with the opposite sex, second to that would be the strong desire to be in one.

Let me say this first- I don’t want to sound like I’m against all kind of dating or desiring to be married someday- otherwise I would be a hypocrite- being someone who dated in their freshman year of college and 4 years later married their girlfriend.

Here is the problem- when I see someone passionate about pursuing Jesus with all their heart and then the certain “someone” comes along- whether in physical form or in desire- the passion for God seems to wean.  Why?  Is that the way God designed it?  No.

Here is the scenario- a student’s life will change and God will give them the encounter of a lifetime and heal them from their past hurts, set them free from old habits, hear Gods voice for the first time, desire for worship, praying for others, sharing their faith, and spending time with Jesus daily!  Yep revival at its finest!

Here is usually how the conversation goes once I find out the relationship has begun on Facebook.  Let’s say their name is Peter.

Me- so I hear your in a relationship.
Peter- yep, she is amazing.  I know what your going to say.  It probably won’t work out, right?
Me- not necessarily.  Have you even prayed about it?  Is she a Christian?  Do you have relationship resolves?  Does she have the same values?  Does she share the same passion you have for Jesus- that you had for the last few months?
Peter- I think so.  Well actually I’m not sure?  Well if she isn’t, I’m sure I can fix that!  I can just help her know God like I do.
Me- I know it’s a little bold- but what is your parents relationship like?  And what’s hers like?
Peter-  why?  They are divorced.  Why does this matter?  And hers are about to be. They are always fighting and want out.  I can’t believe it- they even go to church occasionally.

It’s sad to watch students follow in the footsteps of their parents and the culture.  Why do we date?  Is it to fill a need, a void we have, a promise to ourselves to never be lonely?

And how much of the dating relationships are even healthy?  Godly? Inspiring? Or Pure?

Do we have healthy relational resolves?  What are our standards and do they align with what God says?

If we do not have resolves, I see how the devil will use dating as an immediate distraction to someone’s passionate relationship with Jesus!  I see it time and time again.

And when you lovingly confront them about the relationship in the context of discipleship- the person flares up in pride- saying they got it under control.  We will be together and I can maintain this relationship with God and her.

And that rarely happens!  Which is God’s grace!

I believe that in order to have a healthy God-honoring relationship with the other sex- you will need relational resolves to guide you throughout the relationship.   Let’s start with hunger.  I believe you will also need humility, grace, honor, and excellence to be successful!

If people are beginning a relationship based on a human need- what they truly have is  nothing more than a human blanky comforting them in their neediness.

I will be real bold here!  If you are going into a relationship not satisfied in God- the relationship will fail.  We can’t look to people to fulfill our most basic need- to feel loved, accepted, fulfilled, purpose, and significance.  Only God can meet those needs.

And if we go into the relationship trying to get our needs fulfilled by the significant other- then that will produce insecurity in us.  And being insecure can be dangerous in the relationship because you are trying to fulfill a need they can’t fill.   And expecting that from them will cause strain on the relationship and produce insecurity in them.

Be satisfied in Jesus!  He will meet every need you have.  He will never reject you, he will always affirm his love for you, and he will always give you purpose to keep moving in life.

People forget that Jesus is actually a person.  He is someone you talk to. All those thoughts you have roaming around in your head can be turned into conversation with Jesus- instead of anxiety or worry.

When you spend time with Jesus daily- he will give you the confidence and security you need.  You won’t have to go and look for others to fulfill your need.  Allow Jesus to be that significant other in your life long before you get into a dating relationship.

That is why I believe that every relationship must be marked with HUNGER.  A hunger for God (for both partners).  Not just one.  Missionary dating (winning the other to Christ) will never work.  God says not to be “yoked” together with an unbeliever.  Do we trust His words in this?

When my wife and I were dating I would draw out a triangle and put God on the top and put my wife and I on each side of the bottom.  I would draw arrows moving from each person toward God and draw and arrow moving toward each other.  My prayer everyday would be- “God I pray that Nicole and I grow closer to you in love and passion and also that we grow together with you in love.”

Almost 12 years later- God has honored that simple prayer!  We had hunger for God first- a huge desire to know Him and spend time with Him. And that love and passion for God overflowed in our love and passion for each other!

When my wife and I were dating our desire for God got greater!  We knew we needed God more than ever because of the stat of divorce among Christians.  If we wanted to go the long haul- we needed marriage mentors (even when dating our freshman year- 4 years before we got married).

God led us to many great marriage mentors and also led us to couples that we didn’t want to be like.  We learned so much about each other and about God’s heart for marriage.  Our mentors throughout the 4 years challenged us and were able to speak into our lives (yes, even stuff we didn’t want to hear)!

I’m amazed at the pride today when people try to share the truth with people (even out of love and right motives).  How do you expect to grow in your relationship with God, others, and in your relationship with your significant other if you can’t hear correction or receive advice?

God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.  HUMILITY is key to healthy relationships (and our next resolve). We need to find a marriage mentor or someone that will speak truth into our lives so that we can stay healthy and submit to their authority in your life.

In college while I was dating Nicole, I met with my college pastor once a week to pray and talk about life.  He would ask me honest questions about my relationship with Nicole.  I remember one time he spoke boldly in my life about worship.  He asked how much I was getting out of worship when I had my arm around Nicole.  I was a little taken back by it at first.  But then he explained that it was a distraction to both us and others and it also sends a message to others.  I got humble and received this truth.  And that year we ended up having so much breakthrough in our worship!  We realized there was a time and place for physical affection.

We were hungry to know more about God’s heart for marriage and about honoring Him and honoring each other in it.  Our desire to please God led us to submit to the authority of others who have been in the trenches of marriage and have endured the challenges.  We were always surrounded by wise couples who spoke into our lives.

That is what it means to HONOR those couples who have gone before you.  We would tell them how much we appreciate their influence in our lives.

I remember when Nicole and I were dating, we had joined a financial class on stewarding God’s money and a marriage class.  We were the youngest couple there!  Our hunger to learn and grow brought us to these classes.

We told the other couples we want to learn from them- but they in turn said -we want to learn from you.  They were so impressed.  They all said- if we would have had this class when we were first dating- we wouldn’t be here!   Wow, what a lesson!

Not only did we want to honor those couples before us but Nicole and I also wanted to HONOR each other.  We both believed that each other was their own person with their own boundaries.  We were learning to be One- yet we were 2 different people pursuing God.   This was important when my wife would say- hey, John I can’t talk right now, because I just need some time with God first.  I would honor her boundary as a person.

So many couples use manipulation and anger/guilt to control  their partners.  We have to honor them.  And honoring them means honoring their boundaries and appropriate space.  This is why you have to be secure as a person and know who you are in Christ!

The 4th relational resolve in dating relationships is GRACE.  This means receiving grace and giving grace.  You won’t be able to give what you don’t have.

Your relationships must be founded on grace.  It is grace that empowers us to live right and be in healthy relationships.  We mess up all the time as humans and our partners need an atmosphere of grace to live in.  The opposite of that is harshness, judgement, and powerlessness- an environment of destruction.

Nicole and I have resolved to make our house an atmosphere of grace!   We realize how much mercy and grace God has given us that it would only make sense to give it to each other.

It makes everyday life in our house easier to live in.  It created a cycle of freedom in our thinking.  The grace Nicole would give me would free me up to live in a more loving, honoring way toward her.  But I knew that I didn’t have to be afraid to fail.  I didn’t have to live walking on eggshells around her- because if I messed up- I knew I would receive forgiveness and grace!

This grace and love from God and my spouse would give me the power to pursue the relationship with EXCELLENCE.  This environment of grace, honor, love and humility empowered us to live a life of influence among many!   In other words, God used us to inspire other couples (older than us)!

One year when we were dating, our pastors (and marriage mentors) asked us to speak at one of the marriage conferences they put on that year in the community.  Other couples in our church felt that we should speak because we had lived these resolves before them- and that was inspiring them to a higher standard of marriage and dating in their own relationships.

So if you are pursuing a relationship right now or you are already in one- ask yourself- do you have certain values guiding your relationship?  What are they.  If not, may I suggest some?  Hunger, humility, honor, grace, and excellence!

I believe your relationship with God and with your significant other can be fulfilling and life changing if you have these resolves in place.   Your passion for God should never weaken when you are dating someone- it should be the opposite- it should only get more intense!

When I’m weak, God’s grace allows Nicole to be strong and she encourages me to win the race!  She is secure enough in her relationship with God to want me to win strong!